PAIN

Pain is the fuel

for the wheels of my brain

that crank out phrases

that mete out phases

that teach the lessons

that partners the experiences

that creates empathy

that turns into sympathy

exploding the safety valve

saving my sanity

and preventing me from

self-destructing....

there's never a shortage of that

fuel.

The Game of Garbo

Glamour

Gleaming

The dark red lipstick

and the "far away stare"

Pretending I was a visitor to

a different time

Faded Flower-Child's Lament

Standing on Geary Street

all about the music

mad about Kafka and O'Neill

a nose too big and mouth too small

remember what the dormouse said--keep your head.

Across the Bridge Table

Every week when I was a sorority girl

We were required to play bridge with our "older" sisters

elite women married to elite men, perfectly coiffed and beaded,

perfect small talk, perfect lessons--we were perfectly "groomed"

to take our place at the tables of the country clubs, bridge clubs

and junior league chapters everywhere.

College life was merely a passenger-less plane in a "holding pattern"--

To learn those crucial things that would really get us somewhere--

like developing the perfect bridge game

choosing the right petit for server

not wearing white before Easter, nor after labor day

having your belt match your shoes

cultivating the right crystal collection to match your china
and the perfect mulch for your petunias....

they should have taught us the difference


between a hedge fund and t-notes


how to look the mechanic in the eye and say "Bullshit"


and mean it


how to pick the cheapest and best divorce attorney


how to raise boys alone


how to be in three places at once


they should have taught us these things


because I never liked playing bridge anyway....

Defragging

Defrag your computer weekly

What about defragging your brain?

Yes, I know there are files

that are definitely fragmented.

That is why I go into the kitchen

wondering why I went there.

That is why one minute I am ordinating tax deductions

and the next minute I am composing poetry.

The next minute I am de-staining an apron

and the next minute I am painting a table some God-awful babyshit yellow.

Why did I decide to paint a mural on the backyard fence?

Why did I volunteer to lead an abused teenager group?

Why did I offer to bake a cake for my neighbor?

What made me think I could grow orchids?

Yes, I need to schedule my defragging maintenance

on my brain that seems to be riddled with holes like

those that in are the moldy swiss cheese hiding in a

piece of foil in my refrigerator--what kind of wine

goes best with that--I wonder?

As for me, I'd rather..

As for me, I'd rather be
Snow White, than Cinderella, or the Little Mermaid or Belle.
(without the poison apple, the glass coffin and the Prince)
I'd rather be adored by Grumpy, Sneezy and the rest of little short men with large noses--cooking, cleaning, tending, talking to the birds and the creatures of the forest--than
The Prince who can have anyone he wants
yes, I would rather have the poor little dwarf-men who are grateful to have beauty and love--than all the fame and wealth that the Prince would bring.
Fairy tales are like life you know....

CHOICES

i feel defined by the choices I have made and now in age there is no turning back.

that chartruese flowing ribbon that runs through my life holds me fast to the "tried and true", secure, fastened, in safety

Choking

Bound

Victim

Hostage

Who will negotiate for me?

Who will say "free this person"?

No one will.

Only I can escape.

Cinderella Women

You know their kind,

They waited and waited

and painted their toes and braided their hair and waxed and buffed and said "no ball until the basement is clean." and no fun until the work is done.

They were all goodness and sweetness and spotless womanhood.

They did all the things that "good girls" were supposed to do, including waiting for the Prince to find the shoe that was the promise of their never ending blissful future.

I waited for no one and did nothing that "good girls" were supposed to do.

I cursed and smoked and danced and wrote things and made my own money, raised my own child, did my own work (even if it wasn't "woman's work")

I didn't care if anyone brought the shoe for me because I was hell-bent on finding my own shoe,

finding my own happiness,

finding my own way

without a Prince to hold me back.